The Sirius Sentinel

Exactly five boys got each of these names in 2014. I don’t love most of them; that’s the point. They’re great for spotting what was in the water: athlete surnames, random pop-culture deep cuts, and a lot of ’80s/’90s nostalgia cosplay.

My (begrudgingly) usable picks

Tiny list, big side-eye:

• Asten — crisp, minimal.

• Autry — Western-leaning cool; Autrey < Autry.

• Forrester (middle only) — tree-adjacent surname; works tucked away.

• Grier — athletic surname with a clean sound.

• Holsten — brewery vibes but wearable.

• Karden — tidy, less creaky than Kardon/Karson territory.

• Koren/Korin — sleek, international.

• Lansing — place-name that doesn’t feel like a vacation rental.

• Munro — bookish surname; Degrassi shoutout optional.

• Satchel (as a nickname) — jazz-kid charm, not a legal first. Ronan Farrow changed his name from Satchel as a young adult.

Immediate no’s (sample platter)

• Jamesdean, Delorean — museum pieces, not birth certificates.

• Heathcliff — a cat; maybe middle.

• Vedder — yes, Eddie; no, baby.

• Teal, Swan, Ventura — hard pass.

• Oaken — Frozen-coded, sir.

• Legendary, Patriot, Wizdom, Common — virtue/brand cosplay.

• Veyron, Viper, Striker, Dagger, Havok, Furious — insurance premiums in name form.

• Princecharles, Sirwilliam — built-in punchlines.

• Jaxstin/Jaxsten, Willliam — your barista will cry.

What these five-timers tell us about 2014

1) ESPN-core surnames

Everyone wanted to sound like they run a 4.3 forty or coach special teams.
Grier, Forrester, Holsten, Lansing, Munro, Stokes, Statham, Selby, Bellamy, Grantlee, Frasier, Gifford, Robson, Reddick, Riggen.

2) Random pop-culture & nostalgia grabs

From prestige TV to classic rock to the DVD shelf at Blockbuster.
Delorean, Jamesdean, Severus, Thanos, Spartacus, Tenzing, Vedder, Tarquin, Cosimo, Heathcliff, Stokely, Wolfram, Remus.

3) Nature/word names (some nice, many… not)

A few airy hits; plenty of “concept before child.”
Quill, Moss, Story (fine, Soleil Moon Frye's son is named this), vs. Teal, Swan, Oaken, Striker, Viper, Havok, Furious (no).

4) Places & travel-core

Passport stamps as birth names. Mixed results.
Berlin, Lansing, Ventura, Tallin, Oaken (again: Frozen), Windham.

5) Title/royalty & big-ego energy

If your name is a résumé line, maybe don’t.
Princecharles, Sirwilliam, Legendary, Valiant, Patriot.

6) The Spellcheck Olympics

Maximal y’s/x’s, doubled letters, invented phonics.
Jaxstin/Jaxsten, Klayten, Kaceson/Kaceyon, Keatyn, Knoxville-adjacent inventions, Willliam (three Ls = three headaches).

7) “Is this a brand?”

Cars, operating systems, gear, browsers—name soup.
Delorean, Veyron, Edsel, Fender, Axwell, Patriot, Safari (pair with Chrome and Firefox for a truly cursed sibset).

Labels: Star Registry